"Controlling" Emotions

I’m at a Broad Universe writers retreat this weekend with a bunch of friends, among them the fabulous Rona Gofstein, who also writes as Rachel Kenley. And in my all-important “procrastination before writing” time, where I was glancing through Facebook, I saw her recent blog post, “Emotions Don’t Need to Be Controlled.”

I gave a “quick” (i.e. 4 paragraphs long) response on the post here, but that only dealt with one aspect that I think is important in this discussion.

She said in the blog that it was probably an unpopular topic, but I don’t think it should be. It’s a many-faceted topic that I had about ten different replies to flying around in my head. In summary, I think our relationship with emotions needs to be more openly and readily discussed. Not just if we should and should not repress them or control them, but how they affect us, how we create emotions, the physiological and psychological importance of a good relationship with emotions…

Our relationship status with emotion, of course, is best filed under “it’s complicated,” but I also think all good relationships are. And as a writer, I love exploring those complicated relationships… and a good blog response should pick one particular aspect and discuss it. And perhaps save other aspects for future blogs.

Having had my surgery and a long history of period / hormone issues, though, what’s foremost in my mind and has been for the past year is physiological causes for uncontrollable emotions. (Basically, almost the opposite of what I ended up responding on Facebook.)

Our current culture in modern America, and many other places across the world, takes the stand that we should “control our emotions,” as Rona puts forward in her post.

I agree with her that we shouldn’t control our emotions and that it is a problematic, if not dangerous, thing to do so. (She has a great example of following her instinctual emotions on her blog.)

Emotions cause physiological effects in the body that we cannot control—blood pressure, heart rate, temperature, tears or laughter are some examples. (Breathing, too,  but we have some control over that, at least.) These are part of your autonomic nervous system—the things your body does that you don’t have to think about, and in essence, can only marginally affect even when you do think about them.

Because emotions have such a major physiological component attached to the autonomic nervous system, as well as the endocrine system (your hormones) and neurotransmitters, that means you can have physical triggers for emotions that you also cannot control. The science of psychiatry and psychology deal with those quite a bit. But consider when you have a health problem that affects your body’s chemistry—you’re not able to control your body chemistry, so you simply cannot control the emotions caused by these symptoms.

Many women suffer this dissociation with regular PMS—the butt of far too many jokes. However, consider how society pressures people (particularly women) to “get it together” and “control your emotions,” when she literally, physically CANNOT DO SO. Not only is there this awful feeling of intense anger, sadness, happiness, or what not because estrogen or progestin is doing its thing, but there is this logical awareness that the emotion being felt is not associated with any actions or events currently happening around us. And we’re regularly told that THIS IS WRONG; YOU ARE WRONG.

And it’s not wrong. And it’s not controllable. And no one should be punished for going through this.

It’s bad enough to be standing in the kitchen, filled with rage and a physical illness of dissociation because there is no good reason for there to be rage. Thought processes and thinking about the situation aren’t going to un-flush our system with the chemicals causing rage (or grief, or elation). In fact, the discomfort or panic of that dissociation can enhance and exacerbate the unwanted emotion. Add in feeling like a failure or like you ought to be able to control this emotion, and you’ve added even more chemicals interacting in the body.

What to do?

Change starts within us. Within individuals. I’d love to magically change society and society’s dangerious and poisonous views, but that isn’t something any individual can do. But we can learn to create a better relationship with our own emotions—and to forge more healthy relationships with the emotions of others by our own reactions.

For each individual, admit and surrender to the idea that emotions are not a thing to be controlled.

That’s a lot of work on its own.

Next, each of us should pay attention to your body during emotions. How do I feel? What is my natural inclination for action while experiencing those emotions? Is there a situational cause for the emotion? If so, what? If not, that’s okay too; I  notice and appreciate your body is going through something physical and physiological that creates this emotion.

This is also a lot of work. We need to give ourselves permission to take our time with this.

Then, then, after we’ve acknowledged these things, we can look for the things we can control.

For me, the first thing is to learn how to communicate about emotions. Let the ones I love know when I’m angry, that I need to do something physical—walk, yell, punch or throw inanimate objects. Anyone I’m in a relationship with—my hubby, my friends, my family—are people I could potentially act out upon due to emotions, and none of us have psychic powers, so it’s important to tell them why I’m acting out—what I’m feeling, what I need, and so on. Of course, it’s important that if the emotion was caused by an action that, once the uncontrollable need is met (time alone, being hugged, pillows beaten up), the cause needs to be addressed.  I’ve seen people (and it’s often shown in literature, television, movies, etc) take care of the emotional need, but then never address the issue—so it continues to fester and cause the uncomfortable emotion—and that discomfort will grow, requiring the physical response to be stronger and stronger. Communication is the most important thing in any healthy relationship. Communicating with ourselves and others is key when it comes to our shared relation with emotions.

Once we get communication moving, we can look at other things that are within our control. Especially when emotions come at inconvenient times. Rather than try to control the emotion, however, we can control how we handle the symptoms of emotions. Rather than saying, “I can’t be angry right now,” we can think, “I can’t tell my boss to self-copulate painfully right now.” We can take time to pay attention to breathing and work at controlling that to an extent. We can take time with responses, crafting them so as not to damage other relationships. We can remove ourselves from situations when we realize we are at a place where the physiology of the emotions is not appropriate.

I don’t think I can say enough times that this is not easy, and I, for one, am far from perfection in this practice.

But that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t try. And try again. And try again. (And apologize, communicate, and try again.)

The last thing regarding “control” over emotions is how we respect and appreciate others’ physiological-emotional needs. Telling someone to “get control” is, as mentioned above, not only likely impossible but damaging, potentially making the situation worse. Find out what they need in the moment to deal with the emotion, and later discuss the situation. Be forgiving when someone lashes out; it may be a thing they physically can’t control at the moment…

That said, suffering regular abuse from someone who “can’t control their emotions” is a relationship not worth keeping. That is an entirely different—but still very important—conversation that needs to be had. Physical attacks, deep emotional attacks, any abuse is wrong.

Outside of abusive behaviors, however, it’s worth being flexible, honoring the physiological aspects of emotion, and opening a channel of communication. For ourselves, and for the ones we care about.

I hope this isn’t an unpopular topic, and that more of us do start healthy discussions about what emotions are and what makes for good emotional relationships.

Writing Community

I've said it on many occasions, but I think it's important: Writers shouldn't be islands.

I do spend many hours on my own writing when no one is around, but it's less than you might think. Just about any time I want, I can find one of my writing friends online and reach out to them if I need help, and I respond when they call on me. I belong to a lot of wonderful groups, like Broad Universe, the DragonWriters, my Smarthinking colleagues, and many wonderful individuals who I can call on via Twitter or instant messaging. Being part of this virtual community is no less powerful than being part of an in-person community – and in many ways, its better.

A few months back, the Guardian ran an article of tips from famous/accomplished writers and someone said something along the lines of it being doubtful that good writing comes from someone who has an Internet connection. I couldn't disagree more. Not only are there great writers who are very connected online – Neil Gaiman, for example – but more agents and publishers require authors to promote themselves (online is great for that!), and humans are naturally social creatures. It's just healthier – mentally, spiritually, and even physically – for us to build a community.

My online community has done some amazing stuff for me – and I'm happy to return the favors.

A true and excellent community doesn't happen overnight, or even over weeks or months. In fact, it's always changing, developing, and getting better based on your interaction. Rather than give you a big old "how to" article (because if you search, you'll find plenty of those anyway), let me share some of my community and how we relate.

My friend, Kelly Harmon, who I met through Broad Universe, just released a new short story and a novella. I loved both, so I left her reviews on Amazon. Kelly and I also trade critiques with each other semi-regularly. We got to meet in person at last year's Balticon, and I stayed at her beautiful home. When we manage to gasp breaths of freedom in our crazy schedules, we drop each other a "How are you?" note. (Hmm… Ok, that last line is true for a lot of my friends, actually…)

Aimee Weinstein, aka TokyoWriter, is someone I met through my tutoring job at Smarthinking. Because she's in Tokyo, and I'm just a night owl, we often found our schedules overlapping, so we ended up great "Do you have a minute for a second opinion on this problem?" friends. Rather than stay completely business-like, we took time to find out more about each other and ended up being friends, even after she left Smarthinking to freelance entirely. I am proud to say she's beaten me to a book deal. An idea of her writing: She sent a 2nd draft out to agents and was getting personalized rejections (not form letters) based on partial requests. Her writing is that good!

Christy Tohara, my writing partner, is my longest online-based friend. We met over some fan-fic role playing games about 8 years ago, discovered we had a fabulous writing chemistry, and have been friends and creative partners since. I met her in-person for the first time in 2008 at the Bad-Ass Faeries 2: Just Plain Bad release party – where we celebrated our first fiction publication – individually and as a team.

I met Victoria Durm under another name only a year ago at Conbust in Northampton, MA. I gave her some basic writing business advice, and she gave me (and Chris) a great review on our short story. We've since become friends and each other's cheerleaders.

Julie Radachy and Jen Barber are two more colleagues-become-friends from Smarthinking. Both are absolutely fantastic editors who have come to my last-minute rescue for much of my writing. Also, Jen has magical manuscript manipulation powers, and Julie is a networking/opportunity genius.

Back in 2002, I was part of A.C. Crispin's writing workshop at Dragon*Con. Our particular class became very close, and I regularly chat with Kim Stotler and Karen Schuler. We cheer each other on even beyond writing and enjoy each other's company while slogging through the less-fun aspects of writing and life.

Morven Westfield, Inanna Arthen, Phoebe Wray, Jennifer Pelland, Elaine Isaak, and Justine Graykin are all part of the most active segment of what we call the New England Broads. We all started off only knowing each other virtually through Broad Universe, but realized we were all in close enough geographic proximity to do local events together, and support each other in-person as well as online.

All of these people are those with whom I've spent many years chatting with online, and while I have had the great opportunity to finally give in-person hugs to some of them, some I have not. Many got to know me first through communities, like Broad Universe, Editorial Freelancers Association, Smarthinking, gaming groups, etc., and then we discovered we had something extra in common or that we had some sort of chemistry that made us want to spend more time together.

Now, not all of these people regularly chat with each other and are friends of each other (though some are), but we have all helped each other at least indirectly. When I promote these individuals' work, I share my community of friends with them, and they share theirs with me. Sometimes if there is a topic that I'm not as familiar with in someone's writing, I can check my community to see who would know better than I would. People who get crits from me (and in critiques I've received), more than one person has contributed – even if it's just to check a grammar rule.

Maintaining a community of writing friends enriches the life and writing of everyone in the community. It takes time to build, and a desire for mutual support and honor, but it's worth it beyond any measurement.

What kind of community are you developing around yourself?