Friday, December 11, 2009

Friggen Candy Canes: A Cookie Rant

Food-trepreneurs, baking supply companies, even major brand names… (cuz, y'know y'all read my little blog)… Listen up! This one is for you!

We've got single serving cake and brownie mixes, bitty packages of crushed nuts, caramel chips, peanut butter chips, mint-chocolate chips, coconut chips… fruit pieces in multiple quantities. Single-cake size frosting measurements. Single-use baking pans. All sorts of neat stuff for convenience.

Why, oh why, oh why do we not have pre-crushed candy canes? UNWRAPPED, pre-broken peppermint candy. Seriously - I would pay extra for this convenience.

I make this peppermint-cookie brittle of which one of the ingredients is a box of crushed candy-canes. Sounds innocuous - but they are dangerous, aggravating little bastards! First, you've got open the box to get to them. Now, since I'm breaking them up, I don't care that getting into the box requires a certain degree of force that breaks or cracks at least half them, but as a kid, who wants a broken candy cane? (More on children's issues later!)

Now, once I've gotten through the box, I've got to bugger my way into the shrink-wrapped canes, themselves. I had issues doing this as a kid - and I haven't gotten any more dexterous, so making sure I get every sliver of that stupid, shiny, sticky, clingy, crap off the candy is a royal bitch.

The cat was highly entertained at my antics of hand-wagging, cussing, cleaning, and inspecting… and cussing more when I found more plastic on the pieces. I'm not gifting someone with asphyxiation cookies!

Parents! How has this gone unchecked? How do kids not choke on this plastic? It's hazardous stuff, people! You proactive parenting types - think of the danger to your children, for God's sake! Candy-cane wrapping is serious shit. We need an activist group or something!

Now, yes, I could use Starlight mints, which have the twisty plastic ends and aren't bloody shrink-wrapped, but they become powder in the food processor - none of those great chunks of peppermint candy from a couple of swirls on "chop" or a few good smacks against the counter when I'm particularly aggravated that I've underestimated my baking time again.

Chopped peppermint candy, folks - it's the next big thing! I want it in my supermarket. Now!

(And if you start marketing it based on this blog post, I better damn well get a cut - or at least a free lifetime supply!)


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